Hello. My name is Tom. And it’s lovely to meet you. If you’ve somehow stumbled upon this blog, it means you are either one of my three (totally real) friends, or a Russian Bot account that followed me over from my prior blog (Igor2452385ugh34 – you will always be family. You have no idea how happy I am to see you again. Don’t be a stranger.)
However, if by chance you are neither friend nor bot (#2452385ForLyfe), then let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a 28 year old male, living in Milwaukee, WI. My hobbies include: apologizing for things that aren’t my fault, waking up at 4 a.m. to organize data into spreadsheets, and getting too emotionally invested in things that will ultimately hurt me. The last of which refers to a number of things, including (but not limited to): Women, Taco Bell menu items (*pours one out for the spicy chicken burrito*), the collective works of George R.R. Martin, that one time I tried to poach an egg, and general expectations around life. My dislikes include: Charlie (you know what you did, you filthy jizz biscuit), the Gilmore Girls reboot, and the rapidly increasing velocity at which life is passing me by. I’m 5’10” (on a good day), weigh less than I probably should, and sometimes like to grow my facial hair out if I’m trying to galvanize a girl who’s particularly impressed by the aesthetics of tiny gerbils dying all over a man’s face (I’ll never forget you Amanda #bless).
But today, I’m here writing. Because it turns out blogs are like guns – shockingly easy to register for, with little regard given to the damage that could arise from someone not equipped to handle the responsibility. So, consider this an exercise of my metaphoric second amendment right, and let’s all pray to God that we avoid another Las Vegas nightclub situation. If this sounds overly dramatic or lacking in perspective, you’re entirely right (*applauds politely*). It will, in fact, be something of a central theme going forward. I am acutely aware that there is true pain and suffering in untold quantities the world over. Unfortunately, I lack the insight to truly speak to any of it. As such, the best I can offer is a blog, detailing the utter agony and distress of being a white male with a 401K and a middle-management title who feels sad sometimes.
Context sure is a bitch, but I’d feel remiss to not provide at least a glimpse of it. So, buckle in. I can’t promise that I’ll dispense any sort of meaningful insight into the world or the cold indifference of our meaningless universe. But I’ve been told I can be funny sometimes, so I’m really hoping that can carry this. If nothing else, I’m a savant with a Thesaurus, so maybe you’ll learn a fun word or two (speaking of which, did any of y’all catch that “Galvanize” from earlier? You’re welcome.)
I look forward to our time together.